Detail is good, but when you go on about stuff that you’ve already made clear it distracts from the story. i loved this strory, and all i can say is: KEEP WRITING! xxx 18 Hope this helps.«12345» Kale instantly felt his brother’s mouth on his cock; the water being a lot cooler.” Its just over explaining. And, “he took it immediately into his warm mouth. Hope this helps.«12345» thats the only way to work on ur stories!archrevenantReport 2011-01-27 02:43:13Grammar made me stop reading, i skimmed the rest but spelling is important if you want to engage the reader. Hope this helps.«12345» Hope this helps.«12345» I’m 20 but ive always wanted to suck a younger guys cockanonymous readerReport 2011-12-20 22:16:24Twin boys um my dreams 2 4 th price of 1anonymous readerReport 2011-02-01 15:31:07wow, bad comments. . . …
